Answered Prayer

Our family is celebrating today.  We have been praying for months now that God would provide us a mobility van. Right before Covid we were able to get a power wheel chair.  This has been such a gift for me.  I'm enjoying be able to move freely in and out of the house. Going on walks and sitting out on the patio has been so enjoyable. I even got to use it at Noah's drive by graduation. It felt great to be able to wheel over to people to chat without asking someone to wheel me or turn me.  What a gift.  It also has been so much more comfortable.  In order to take it anywhere we knew we would need a mobility van.  We began the search and it has been a daunting experience.  Both Jason and I were in dire need of new vehicles. Both of our 15 year old cars have been hanging on by a thread. We said good by to Jason's car after it broke down last month. We knew that buying a brand new mobility van was not going to be an option as they were way out of our price range.  Trying to find a used one with low mileage was becoming difficult and I was getting quite discouraged. We were excited last week when this 2014 Town and Country became available and today we brought it home.  This is going to be a game changer for me.  Having the freedom to wheel around on my own will be a huge blessing.  We continue to move forward and adapt to our new circumstances however difficult they may be.  There are many things we grieve but we don't grieve as one who has no hope.

In the wake of these soul shaking events around the world, the world can seem awfully dark.  It's during the darkest times that we need to lean on our faith the most. That means saturating our minds with truth. Casting all our anxieties on him.  In faith we can move through the trials of this life with confidence and hope.  Just as God created the cosmos from nothing, he can bring hope and strength where once there was none. I'm praying this for our country. Praying God would bring beauty from ashes and we would see a powerful revival.

Congrats Noah!

I’m so happy to announce that this sweet young man, who you all have been praying for since he was nine, finished his last classes of high school this week. Not only did he finish but he did it a whole year early.  Why a year early?  When he finished his sixth grade year he was well ahead of where he needed to be both academically and in his maturity. He was constantly challenging himself and so we had an opportunity to move into an 8th grade homeschool co-op that would challenge him even more.  If it proved to be too much we could always change courses.  He continued to enjoy challenging himself and by the end of the year it was evident we had made the right choice and that he was ready for high school. He has worked so incredibly hard. Taking honors courses his first three years of high school. He managed to get Student of the quarter three out of his four years.  He pushed himself out of his comfort zone and joined theatre, improv, and the playwrights.  He was involved in Students For Life  where he wasn’t afraid to tackle important issues. He persevered in difficult times.  He never let his constant fatigue, doctors appointments, and hospital visits effect his grades and because of that he will graduate with high honors.  

Noah has only ever wanted to go to one college……..Biola.  We told him that he would have to work extremely hard and apply for scholarships.  We told him it was very expensive but that if it was where he was suppose to be God would make a way. God did make a way. Because of Noah’s SAT scores and GPA he was able to get the Dean’s Scholarship, Grants, and a few others.  He will be moving to the dorms this fall where he intends to pursue a degree in accounting.  To say he is excited is an understatement.  When everything was being canceled, his senior trip, shows, awards night, prom, and graduation.  All that was on his mind was if he would be able to move in to the dorms.  He is so ready.  

If you couldn’t tell by the first two paragraphs I’m so extremely proud of my boy.  I’m not just proud of his academic efforts though.  I’m proud of his character and his desire to be a light.  His desire to be surrounded by people who challenge his faith and cause him to grow.  I’m inspired by his acceptance of difficulty.  His ability to adapt.  I have no doubts he will do great things for the Lord.

So many of you have been praying for Noah for years.  We are so grateful for you and very much  still covet your prayers for our dear boy.  His heart is still very sick and he continues to slowly progress in this disease causing fatigue and muscle weakness. He is monitored closely and has lots of appointments and tests that we are hoping to get done before the fall semester.  

If you live locally and would like to help celebrate our boy. Noah, along with a few of his buddies will be having a drive by celebration.  We would love for you to say hi , pick up a treat from us, and drop off any words of wisdom for Noah as he embarks on this new season of his life. The celebration will be Thursday June 4th from 4-6 in La Mirada at  14435 Garden Hill Park on  the Valeda Drive  side near the amphitheatre. 

Covid-19

Friends and Family I have so much on my heart. I always want my words to be helpful and not hurtful.  I never want to minimize peoples pain and always want to point others to Jesus. I desire to offer hope in the midst of difficulties by sharing my own experience of walking through suffering. 

We are living in difficult times.  Many have lost their loved ones, have lost jobs, are dealing with depression, suicide rates are at an all time high, many have had to cancel special life events, have had to learn how to teach their children at home, have had to spend time in a hospital all alone, some are stuck at home with their abuser, and so much more.  All of these things can be overwhelming.  They can cause our hearts to be weary.  We can become fearful and can become so preoccupied with who to trust and how to decipher fact from fiction.  We may become angry at what we have lost and what we feel like we are owed or deserve. We start worrying about things that MAY happen in the future.  We feel unsettled with so many unknowns. We like to be in control. 

I know I’m guilty of all these things.  You would think someone who has had so many unexpected trials in her life would not be surprised when unexpected hardships come.  Ha! Nope! That would mean I have arrived and I’am nowhere close.  No I too have strapped in and road the rollercoaster of worry, doubt, anger and weariness.  The problem is when I go down that road I lose sight of all God’s goodness in the midst of hardship.  I’m unable to effectively be used by him, I’m unable to digest his truths. I forget that he cares far more than I do about the evils in this world.  I forget that even though I can’t see what he is doing through this I can trust that he is using it for good. I forget that he is my one constant.  That He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  That he never fails me, he never leaves me, and he never forsakes me.  When our eyes are on our circumstances we are unable to recognize his blessings and let me assure you there are many.  Look for them friends.

It’s tempting to give into fear but fear is a liar. It does nothing but wreak havoc and damage. Mathew 6:27 says “And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life.” It’s tempting for me to pout over missing my son’s last musical, my boys awards nights, my daughters end of the year activities, not seeing friends, boys graduation stuff, and even church.  It’s tempting to look at all the bad things in this world. We have to fight the flesh constantly.  We forget that it’s not about us.  If I found out that through Covid-19 God was able to bring more people to faith, that he was able to bring families together, that he was lifted high through this than I should rejoice.  REJOICE! Isn’t that what we want more than anything?  I know it’s what I want.  I think its easy for me to say I want to live in light of eternity when I have all of life’s comforts and its another thing when those comforts are stripped away.  I want to trust him with every aspect of my life and with every aspect of this messed up world.  In order to do that I need to to stop reading all the latest articles and watching all the opinion videos. Instead I need to keep resting on HIS promises. He is where I need to find my answers, joy, peace, and my security.  Here are just a few that I’m leaning on and as always I hope they encourage you to “fight the flesh”.

Deuteronomy 31;6 Be strong and courageous, Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will never leave you or forsake you.

john 13:7  You do not realize now what i’am doing but later you will understand.

Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

James 1:2-4  Consider it great joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kind,  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Psalm 91:14  Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him. I will protect him because he knows my name.

This song also has been on repeat for me  
https://youtu.be/37wV6D49iEY

When the waves hit hard

When you have had many traumatic events happen in your life.  When you have a progressive disability.  When one of your children shares the same disability and the other one has a major heart condition you somewhat expect the waves to come crashing.  In fact it is often hard for you to celebrate when things are stable because you are just living in anticipation of the next wave to hit.  This doesn’t mean however that it doesn’t feel like a sucker punch to the gut when they do come.  Just because you anticipate they are coming doesn’t make it less painful.  Also Just because you hate enduring the wave doesn’t mean you don’t trust that God will pull you through either.  He always does and most of the time you come out stronger.  It’s hard to remind yourself of these truths though when the pain of the wave leaves an awful sting.  

Since my disease is progressive many losses will continue to come. I can expect it. Recently we have come to a new loss. Over the last year or so I have become more dependent on my wheelchair.  Balance and weakness have made it difficult to walk even with assistance.  Most of you have seen me wheeled around in my pink chair.  This is an oversized  transport chair that is not meant to be sat in for long periods of time.  It does not give support, it leaves me in pain, and requires someone to push me around.  After a wheelchair evaluation requested by my Neurologist.  We were made aware that I really needed a power chair.  A custom made one that had all the functions to keep me comfortable and out and about for longer periods of time. Each  new step for me is an emotional one. I was actually thrilled  this time though at the possibility of having more control in a wheelchair, being more comfortable, and not being reliant on another person to wheel me around.  Over the coarse of a few months and tests though we would learn that getting this chair and being able to continue to drive on my own would mean that I would need to upgrade to an electrical hand control car system and a mobility van. The new electrical system was not expected and felt like a sucker punch to the gut.  I thought I could upgrade to a simpler set of hand controls  however due to my decreasing muscle strength this was not the case. This the  insurance does not cover and it comes with a pretty steep price tag. The excitement soon came with disappointment, fear, anger, and a whole batch of other emotions. This seems utterly impossible and I feel defeated. I feel like I have been given a picture of how to make my life a little easier and give me more freedom but it isn’t attainable for me. The carrot is dangling infront of me and feels out of reach.  After a few days however the emotions calm down and I start to give them over to the Lord.  I start to speak his truths into my heart instead.  He finds a way for us to at least  get the power chair, he doesn’t have to but he does. A sweet reminder to me of his beautiful grace and provision. That he draws near to the broken hearted.  I’m grateful and even though the rest feels like the hugest mountain to climb I’m choosing to trust that he will provide the rest and asking for your sweet prayers in this.

My absence from writing is usually due to not having the emotional energy.  Everyday is a battle.  It’s a battle to push through the frustration of being physically limited.  It’s a battle to not want to waste my suffering, It’s a battle to not give into fear, and it’s a battle to fight against my own selfish flesh and keep my eyes off of my circumstances.  Some days all I can muster up to write or say is that its’s hard. It’s really stinking hard and messy. You all know that though.  This is no surprise to any of you.  You all experience hard in one capacity or another. This life is just plain hard.  It’s not meant to be easy or comfortable.  It’s not meant to be that way because it’s not about us.  It’s all for the glory of the Lord.  If you are in a season of hard, if you just got smacked with a hard wave.  I want to leave you with these words from John Piper that have been encouraging my heart and helping me to stay focused on our redeemer.  The one who redeems us from the pain this world has to offer.

There are nutrients that we draw out of seasons of suffering that are strengthening to the bones of our faith and sweetening to the marrow of our faith like we can’t get any other way. Eat them. Go ahead and eat them. As long as God keeps you in that season, don’t waste it by wishing and wishing, wishing you’d be out of it. Go ahead and eat the fruit that grows on that tree alone.

Savor the special promised nearness of the Lord. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” There is a unique and special promised nearness that you will enjoy. Yes, that is a tearful, painful, true word you will enjoy that you will not have once the sun comes out again. Wait for God’s timing of healing and restoration. Psalm 30:5 says, “His anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”

I don’t think the point of that is about the clock, like sadness at dusk, joy at dawn every day. That’s not the point of that statement. The point is God does not leave his children indefinitely in the depths of sorrow. Joy comes eventually when dawn comes, and it comes in God’s timing. The older you get, the more you know that terrible things don’t have the same horrible gut punch as time goes by. In the moment of loss, when you get that phone call, that utter disappointment, that painful email, a dream is shattered, a massive disappointment, something you thought would never happen — and you feel in those first hours, “There’s no way I can live with this. There’s no way I can live with this.” God’s timing is very mysterious in its effects because the next day it’s a little different, and the next day it’s a little different. A week later it’s a little different. Everybody moves at different paces, but God uses time and grace to take away the sense of impossibility of life.

I don’t know about you but I so needed to be reminded of that.  “God uses time and grace to take away the sense of impossibility of life.”  Please continue to lift our family up.  We so appreciate each and everyone of you.

Grief Is Painful

I have been struggling for months now to write a blog post.  I just haven’t been in a good emotional state to find the words. I have wanted to, however I just didn’t know how to process all of what I’m feeling in a clear and precise way. I know many of you just want to know how to pray. I’m so grateful for that and grateful that you care enough to still read my words.  I always want to be my authentic self so here it goes.  

Grief is a tricky thing and Im learning when you have loss there isn’t really a magic timeline of when you stop grieving.  I have continual loss and lately i have found myself in deep grief over it. Losing the ability to do even the littlest things like brush your own hair are losses for me.  It takes so much vulnerability to allow others to help in this way.  I long to do it myself.  I long to walk along the beach or let alone just inside my child’s school without help. This road is very lonely and you feel like you are burdening others constantly.  I see how much my situation impacts those around me and it just adds to my pain.  Please don’t confuse my grief as whining.  I’m so grateful for many beautiful things that have come from my story. Im confident God is working in and through it. I know he has good for me but the pain of loss can be overwhelming.

 I believe you can experience both joy and pain in suffering.   Real joy doesn’t have to be put-together and smiley. We often get joy confused with Happiness.  I once heard someone explain that happiness is fleeting and deep joy is not conditional to my circumstances or experiences.   It comes from a deep understanding that God is for us, he loves us, and is working in and through the hard for his glory.  It comes from our hope that this is but a speck compared to spending eternity  with Christ.   Real joy is often teary and exhausted, crawling after God with whatever strength and longing we can muster up. Our joy will prove strong and durable because God will keep us, but it will run low and feel fragile along the way.  Even in my deepest grief I can still understand that he is working this for my good while also longing for another way.

So how is our family and what is the latest?

Jason-  Jason recently started a new job working for Ministry Partners Inc. as a loan portfolio manager.  It is actually in the same building as his old job so the same commute.  It was an answer to prayer and he is very happy there.  You can pray for him as he carries the load of full-time employee as well as caregiver, husband, and father.  It can often be a lot.

Mel- My physical body continues to get weaker effecting my heart, lungs, swallowing etc. and I continue to see specialists.  Looking forward to homeschooling Hannah this year and soaking up all my time with her.

Noah- Noah’s heart continues to remain stable.  He still gets regularly checked and right now its a watch and see thing.  He still has RCM but it has not progressed.  He gets checked regularly at the Muscular Dystrophy clinic and there is very mild weakness in his hands and feet but the rest of his muscles remain strong.  It’s hard to believe it has been seven years since his diagnoses.  Thankful for God’s protection over him.  Noah has entered his last year of high school and just sent off his first college application this afternoon.  I can’t believe we are at this stage.  I’m so very proud of him.

Jonah-  This ray of sunshine continues to make us laugh daily.  He is constantly performing in some way and never tires of working on his craft.  He has enough energy for all of us combined.  He spent the summer getting to learn from many experienced people in the industry.  He was awarded a scholarship for the “Five Days Of Broadway" at the Seagerstrom, He started taking workshops with two wonderful Professional session singers, took some dance classes, and did a theatre camp.  He booked a print job with Guitar Center, and just landed his first commercial.  He is a huge helper to mom, loves Jesus, has a compassionate soul, and loves making others smile.

Hannah- Hannah’s health is doing great and we often forget that she has a complicated heart case.  We go to regular apts. that are now thankfully more spread out.   She loves to be helpful and serve.  Often times without asking she is the one who gets in and gets stuff done.  She has discovered volleyball this year and is looking forward to playing in the fall.  She is my giggly girl and loves to laugh which makes a great audience for her brother.  She is his biggest fan.  She loves school and is looking forward to fifth grade.

Dawson-  He is the best gift.  We are all so thankful for him.  He is my buddy and I love him immensely.  We really can’t imagine our lives without him.  He is a hard worker and just the sweetest dog.

We did it!

Well we did it! After two weeks of Handler training Dawson and I graduated and have been home for a few weeks settling into our new routine.  I had no idea the amount of hard work we would endure going into this training. It pushed me both physically and emotionally. It wasn't just the three hours of training each day, it was also the hours of homework each night, being away from home, and sometimes having to make the three hour drive back and forth. There were days that left me completely exhausted and depleted and I had no idea if I had the strength to go back the next day. There were a couple days I said to Jason I don’t want to go. My body is aching so bad I’m not sure I have anything left to give. Normally when  I do too much I have a day to recover and let my body rest. I pushed my body hard and I was really feeling it but I was so determined, eager, and wanted to see my dog so badly. I was learning a ton and Dawson and I bonded immediately. I knew what a gift this already was. I knew what a gift it was going to be for me  in the future and that pushed me to keep going.  I’m learning to be more and more vulnerable with my disability. Hearing you all tell me how encouraged you are helps so much. I don’t usually like to take pictures of me in my wheel chair. Not because I don’t want others to see me this way(they already do) but because it’s still hard for me to see myself this way. So seeing the videos of me walking, in my chair, or trying to use Dawson to help me up was extremely hard. There was one day that I was lying flat on my back. I was able to use Dawson to help roll me over to my side but I could not get on my knees. It just physically was not happening. I have no idea how I got to this point of not being able to do this . We tried super hard and it just wasn’t happening. Another huge loss.  It left me raw, exposed, scared, and vulnerable. In my mind I still see myself as this strong girl who loves to dance  more than anything and fly around the room chatting it up with whoever comes my way. These things have been stripped away and the Loss is big, scary, hard, and sad. It’s ok for me to feel these things and to not like it. I should in fact hate it and groan. I just also have to realize this is for my good. This is where Christ is going to do his best work.He already is. Most days I realize this but I’m also human and some days I just really hate being limited in my physical  capabilities. Even if it’s painful, hurtful, and I lose everything I remind myself constantly that it’s light and momentary. If I don’t keep that perspective and I let my circumstances get the best of me it will drive me to despair. I have to fight hard to see myself as Christ sees his daughter. Still awesome despite my inabilities, because I’m allowing him to do his best work in and through me for HIS purposes and  not my own.

I say this a lot but When I’m really able to those things, I lose  focus of the hard And Focus on his goodness. Like his goodness in bringing a beautiful community around me. All of you.  A community who raised 30,000 in 8 weeks to help provide this wonderful life changing gift. A community who continually showers us with love and support. Im blown away by your love and can't say thanks enough.  I see his goodness through you.  I see his goodness in the ways that Dawson is able to give me some of my independence. I see his goodness in showing me things that I CAN do even in my limited capabilities. I know it was a long wait to get Dawson. After spending two weeks I completely understand why. It takes so much time, love, and resources to train these dogs specifically for you. It’s a process that they take seriously. They have their own breeding program and it’s hard to find quality trainers. My trainer worked 14 days straight with me. He has a passion for these dogs and what he does. That is hard to find.  It was hard work. I don’t think you can truly anticipate what the training is like until you are actually there walking through it. I’m so proud of how far Dawson and I have come in two weeks. The videos from Day 2 to day 14 are incredible. Dawson was so worth the wait. He is already changing my life in the sweetest ways❤️ 

We are still working on me trusting Dawson when I brace him to walk. He LOVES people and attention so it’s difficult to get him to focus on just me while we are walking. We are both doing better. Walking is not something I do a ton as it is difficult for me, my legs tire out, and I can’t go very far. It’s nice to have the option to go into a short distant place though. One of the hardest things for me is to to tell you all that you can not pet him while he’s working. It’s so hard because I want you to be able to love on him as he is just the sweetest however when he’s working he has to pay attention to only me. Thank you for your  understanding. There are plenty of times at home that he is not working and able to play. You should come over and get your snuggles and pets in that way😀 We would love to have you!  Thanks again for being apart of this journey and helping to make Dawson a reality for us.  He is one of the best gifts.

How Deep the Fathers Love for us

I’m sitting here in awe and amazement at the fathers love for me.  Do you sometimes feel so overwhelmed by God’s goodness to you?

For those of you that are not familiar with my story. I grew up with out a father.  I never had the opportunity to meet my dad.  He moved out of state when I was two and him and my mom never stayed in contact. Twelve years ago after searching for information on my dad I was sad to discover that he had passed away at the age of 34 when I was just seven years old.  I was able to find his sister and we talked and exchanged information.  It was a lot for me to process and I wasn’t sure how much more information I could take at the time.  Life got busy and I forgot all about our conversations and went on with Life.

A week ago I received a message on facebook from my dad’s sister. It has been an emotional process as I have been able to talk with cousins, learn more about my dad, family history etc.  Every picture, every story, every phone conversation has been treasured.  The biggest gift though came last night when I received a long email from my cousin.  He informed me that his dad use to party with my dad. Years later my cousins dad became a Christian. My cousin said that his dad had the opportunity to visit my dad in the hospital before he died.  He said his dad presented the gospel to him and that my dad had accepted Christ before he died.  

Reading this letter I couldn’t compose myself. Did I read that correctly? Am I really reading these words?  I had Jason re read the letter and my oldest son came and held me tight.  How great to share this with them. I had wondered, why after all this time and now the Lord wanted me to connect with my fathers family.  Why now?  Don’t get me wrong I was grateful.  Grateful to connect with them, grateful to hear the stories but still wondered why now.  God knew hearing that my dad accepted Christ would mean the world to me.  He didn’t have to give me this gift but he did.  Wow!  Our God loves us so personally it blows my mind sometimes.

When we begin to let God overwhelm us with His love, grace, power, Spirit, provision, we will see Him work in and through our lives in glorious ways. I really believe that God’s will is for us to become overwhelmed with His goodness and His grace instead of being overwhelmed with our problems and trials. When we change our focus and perspective, something beautiful happens, a change so dramatic and so real that the problems we were previously overwhelmed with pale in comparison to the peace, contentment and joy that we find in Christ.  I find this to be true over and over again in my life.

For every measure of suffering, God has returned to me a measure of his grace, for every measure of pain, a measure of love and victory in Christ. For every fear, a calm and peace, for every need, a provision.  I’m so beyond grateful and pray that you all would feel the fathers deep deep love for you. 

If you have never made a conscious decision to bring Jesus Christ into your heart, then you can do so right now by praying and asking Him to come into your life. There’s no magic formula for the type of prayer that you need to pray, nor is there any special wording that would make one prayer better than another. As always, God looks at what is in our hearts when we utter our prayers, He understands and knows the condition of your heart and mind. But if you do want to ask Jesus Christ into your heart and life today, here are some suggested phrases that you can use as you pray:

• Lord, I admit that I have sinned against You and that I need Your forgiveness

• I believe that You died for my sins

• Jesus I ask You to come into my life

• I ask You to forgive my sins

• I give You the rest of my life

If this is the first time you have ever asked Christ to come into your life, I would encourage you to find someone and tell them that you just accepted Christ as your Savior and Lord. Please tell me I would LOVE to know and to be able to pray for you. I would also strongly urge you to become part of a church that preaches the Bible every Sunday so that you can begin to grow in your faith and knowledge of Jesus Christ.

https://youtu.be/e9FG12eTSbI