I know it has been awhile since our last post. To be honest I have just been exhausted both emotionally and physically that its hard to get it out in a post. Also there has not really been much to report on. We are in the waiting stage. Waiting for a heart. An exact match for our boy. This is a difficult stage. I don't have a problem being vulnerable but I also don't want to bring every one down post after post.
I'm realizing more and more how much I like to have control over my life. It is a daily struggle to be okay with not knowing when we will get "the call" not knowing if my other son will have the same diagnosis, not knowing my diagnosis and how fast things with me physically will get worse, or knowing when my daughter will have her next surgery. If I believe that God is sovereign over all things then I should rest in the fact that his plan is perfect and I really don't need to know. But because I'm an ugly wretched sinner I do struggle. Some days I'm just an ugly mess focusing on all that we are grieving the loss of and worried about the hard days ahead. I listen to all the lies satan tries to feed me. Wishing I could so badly bottle up the good days when I'm strong, when I see God at work doing amazing things through are circumstances that it blinds me to all the mess. I have longed for heaven more than I ever have before. I long for Jesus to wipe away every tear and right every wrong. I'm so thankful that even in my darkest moments that Gods word holds true. He will never leave me or forsake me. The Lord gives strength to his people, the lord blesses his people with peace. I long to be past all this stuff in our lives but also do not want to miss out on all that God is doing through our circumstance.
Pray that God would help me to relinquish my need to have control, that he would increase my faith, and that he would help me to choose Joy in all circumstances. Please also pray for Jonah. He will be having his first heart echo on Thursday. So far everything has looked okay with him, but they will be able to see more and get a better picture of his heart function after his echo. We have told him about the test and that the doctors just want to see how good his heart is working. Given his brother and sisters experience he is concerned that they might see something. We have acted like it is no big deal but kids are smarter than we give them credit for.
Thanks for walking this road with us.