The last two weeks have been rough. I have been to at least eight doctor appointments. Six of which have been for me. I have been told after allergy testing that I'm allergic to almost everything except foods(Thank you Jesus),I had a CT scan of my sinuses, told I need tubes put in my ears, after a PFT test was told my breathing is declining, and was told I can no longer drive with out adaptive equipment(that one was the hardest). There were days where I felt like Alexander in the book "Alexander and the terrible no good very bad day". Great book by the way.
Normally I can tackle each hurdle as they come knowing God is working out his plan through each obstacle I face. This last week however I finally broke and was crying out to God Why? Why so much? Why my driving? Why does it all have to be so hard? Many of these things I knew I would have to face with this disease I just thought it would be further down the road for me. I knew all the answers to the Why in my head but my heart was buried in my circumstances and I was feeling very defeated. After a very good and much needed meeting with a friend I was super encouraged by an article he read to me. Many of you know about Pastor Saeed Abedini. He is an Iranian American Christian pastor imprisoned in Iran. He has been incarcerated now for over two years. He wrote a letter to his daughter for her 8th Birthday. In the letter he talks about how he recognizes that this must be so hard and confusing for her. He goes on to say that she is probably asking Why? Why is daddy in prison? Why are they doing this to him? He says to answer your question you must first understand that it's not about the Why it's about the Who.
This pierced my heart and reminded me once again that it's not about me. It's always all about Jesus. Not about the why but about the WHO. JESUS. Who am I to ask Why? Who am I to question his plan for my life? Jesus took on human flesh, went through more than anyone could bare, and was hung and crucified on a cross for my behalf. Yes I cry and I groan but then I'm reminded of how much I don't deserve but have been given much. It's not about the why it's about the who. Powerful words.
Thankful for friends who remind me of God's truth. The only way to get through these hard moments is to preach the Gospel to ourselves and to meditate on his truth daily. For some of us hourly :) Thankful that he is working out his great plan and that he is sovereign over my life. I pray that when hard days come again I will remember these truths, put on my battle gear, and fight the good fight.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
We are thankful for all your prayers. We got word today from the transplant team at UCLA. After much consideration they have decided that Dr. Changs opinions were very valid and raised great concerns. They are sorry for not consulting him before they met with us but feel it is best that Noah remain on the list. Our emotions are all over the place. At the end of the day though it comes down to this. God is sovereign. He is the only one in control of what happens with Noah. He already knows the timing, the donor, and if and when Noah will make it to transplant. It really doesn't matter the decisions these doctors are making. I have been resting in that a lot this week as we have anticipated the doctors decision. Even if he was to have been taken off the list for awhile that list doesn't determine what and when for Noah. God does. This is what calms my emotions and helps me to breathe. I have absolutely NO CONTROL. NONE!!! I don't have the right answers in this situation. I do however have a wonderful Father who even before Noah was formed he knew his story. I will rest in that. I will cling to that assurance.