Well we did it! After two weeks of Handler training Dawson and I graduated and have been home for a few weeks settling into our new routine. I had no idea the amount of hard work we would endure going into this training. It pushed me both physically and emotionally. It wasn't just the three hours of training each day, it was also the hours of homework each night, being away from home, and sometimes having to make the three hour drive back and forth. There were days that left me completely exhausted and depleted and I had no idea if I had the strength to go back the next day. There were a couple days I said to Jason I don’t want to go. My body is aching so bad I’m not sure I have anything left to give. Normally when I do too much I have a day to recover and let my body rest. I pushed my body hard and I was really feeling it but I was so determined, eager, and wanted to see my dog so badly. I was learning a ton and Dawson and I bonded immediately. I knew what a gift this already was. I knew what a gift it was going to be for me in the future and that pushed me to keep going. I’m learning to be more and more vulnerable with my disability. Hearing you all tell me how encouraged you are helps so much. I don’t usually like to take pictures of me in my wheel chair. Not because I don’t want others to see me this way(they already do) but because it’s still hard for me to see myself this way. So seeing the videos of me walking, in my chair, or trying to use Dawson to help me up was extremely hard. There was one day that I was lying flat on my back. I was able to use Dawson to help roll me over to my side but I could not get on my knees. It just physically was not happening. I have no idea how I got to this point of not being able to do this . We tried super hard and it just wasn’t happening. Another huge loss. It left me raw, exposed, scared, and vulnerable. In my mind I still see myself as this strong girl who loves to dance more than anything and fly around the room chatting it up with whoever comes my way. These things have been stripped away and the Loss is big, scary, hard, and sad. It’s ok for me to feel these things and to not like it. I should in fact hate it and groan. I just also have to realize this is for my good. This is where Christ is going to do his best work.He already is. Most days I realize this but I’m also human and some days I just really hate being limited in my physical capabilities. Even if it’s painful, hurtful, and I lose everything I remind myself constantly that it’s light and momentary. If I don’t keep that perspective and I let my circumstances get the best of me it will drive me to despair. I have to fight hard to see myself as Christ sees his daughter. Still awesome despite my inabilities, because I’m allowing him to do his best work in and through me for HIS purposes and not my own.
I say this a lot but When I’m really able to those things, I lose focus of the hard And Focus on his goodness. Like his goodness in bringing a beautiful community around me. All of you. A community who raised 30,000 in 8 weeks to help provide this wonderful life changing gift. A community who continually showers us with love and support. Im blown away by your love and can't say thanks enough. I see his goodness through you. I see his goodness in the ways that Dawson is able to give me some of my independence. I see his goodness in showing me things that I CAN do even in my limited capabilities. I know it was a long wait to get Dawson. After spending two weeks I completely understand why. It takes so much time, love, and resources to train these dogs specifically for you. It’s a process that they take seriously. They have their own breeding program and it’s hard to find quality trainers. My trainer worked 14 days straight with me. He has a passion for these dogs and what he does. That is hard to find. It was hard work. I don’t think you can truly anticipate what the training is like until you are actually there walking through it. I’m so proud of how far Dawson and I have come in two weeks. The videos from Day 2 to day 14 are incredible. Dawson was so worth the wait. He is already changing my life in the sweetest ways❤️
We are still working on me trusting Dawson when I brace him to walk. He LOVES people and attention so it’s difficult to get him to focus on just me while we are walking. We are both doing better. Walking is not something I do a ton as it is difficult for me, my legs tire out, and I can’t go very far. It’s nice to have the option to go into a short distant place though. One of the hardest things for me is to to tell you all that you can not pet him while he’s working. It’s so hard because I want you to be able to love on him as he is just the sweetest however when he’s working he has to pay attention to only me. Thank you for your understanding. There are plenty of times at home that he is not working and able to play. You should come over and get your snuggles and pets in that way😀 We would love to have you! Thanks again for being apart of this journey and helping to make Dawson a reality for us. He is one of the best gifts.
