I have been struggling and thinking through my limitations. Truthfully a lot more than I should or care to admit. Thinking about where I once was, and the struggle to see where I am. I have battled so much insecurity. This is a new one for me. I have always been relatively confident in my own skin. I’m at a stage in my journey where I depend on so many people to just function on a normal day. Its incredibly difficult to continually ask for help and even more difficult to trust that the person really doesnt mind doing it. It takes vulnerability, courage, thick skin, grace, patience, love, kindness, humility, and so much more. Basically all the fruits of the spirit and the qualities Paul asks us to put on in Colossians 3. I’m sure this will be a battle for the rest of my days. Some days I just really dont want to be needy. Everything in me just wants to do it myself. I just heard a toddler voice as I was writing that sentence 😂
I battle with my heart for contentment and look closely upon my control for comfort. When my heart is inclined toward God, I’m more willing to surrender to my story and look for the beautiful ways God’s present grace shows up.
A prayer of David in Psalm 119: Incline my heart to perform your statutes forever, to the end. This is David’s prayer for God to make his heart decidedly fixed for God.
I have talked about this before but its just so true in my life. When I’m able to fight the flesh and fix my eyes on Jesus and incline my heart toward God. I get to see the beauty in the hard and the assurance that he is not wasting any of it. I want to stress the “When I’m able” part though. I’m an imperfect sinner in need of God’s redeeming love every single minute of my day. I pleed with God like Paul did to remove the thorn even when I'm confident the thorn is good for me.
I have realized lately as I have struggled with being needy that I don’t think my faith would be what it is today without this thorn. I’am so much more aware of my need for Jesus. I can’t go through out my day with out being totally dependent on him to carry me through. I’m learning little by little that being needy isnt always a bad thing. It helps increase our faith because we are not relying on our own strength to carry us through. In my situation it pushes people to enter in and gives them an opportunity to serve in sacrificial ways. I have seen this play out in both strangers and loved ones. Last month my sweet husband took me to get a pedicure. He sat in a chair next to me and a lady watched him help me into the spa chair and lift my legs in and out of the water for the nail tech. The lady that was watching stopped by my husband and handed him some money. We were shocked by her generosity but it left a bigger impact on my heart. You see it gave me eyes to see that God is using this thorn to work in the hearts of those around me as well as myself. I have a friend whose boys are always so willing to help carry me down their flight of stairs each time I come to visit. Just last night as I came over for dinner they were waiting with smiles. These are teenage boys who are getting a lesson in sacrificial giving. Their willing hearts bless my heart so much. When I allow myself to stop and look at how the Lord is blessing my neediness it helps me appreciate the thorn and work through my insecurities.
How are you seeing the beauty in the hard? Are you sacrificially giving of your time to help others?
Is your Heart inclined toward God? I would love to hear the ways you have been encouraged.
