This week has been full of a myriad of emotions for me. Monday was the first day of school for both Jonah and Hannah. It was exciting as Hannah was starting High School for the first time and Jonah was entering his senior year but also sad as the realization hit for Jason and I that this was Jonah’s last year of High School. There were many sweet moments as I watched Jonah be the greatest big brother and Hannah have so much fun being on campus with him. I’m grateful for their close bond. It will be a fun year for the both of them.
As the week continued, the days got harder. I learned that one of my dear friends who has been battling cancer for the past year and a half went to be with the Lord. While this is a wonderful thing for her to be with her heavenly father, the grief in my heart and those that love her has been heavy. Tracy and I grew close because we could relate to one another in a unique way. We both had an understanding of what it means to be touched by physical suffering. Even though we would both never choose this path for ourselves, Tracy would often say that she was thankful it brought us together and that we were on an island together. Praying for one another and entering into one another’s burdens helped us keep our eyes off of our difficult circumstances. It was a privilege to walk along side her. I miss her deeply and I long for more time with my friend. I will do my best to live by her example of persevering in faith.
Yesterday was another emotionally difficult day. As many of you know my form of muscular dystrophy is a slow progressive disease. This means that all the muscles in my body including the muscles that help me breathe will weaken over time. It is becoming more of a struggle to get enough air to talk and my breathing is continuing to decline. I have now been set up with a portable ventilator that straps to my power chair. I will have access to a sip and puff device to give me the extra support I need outside of the home. While I’m grateful for these devices my heart is heavy with grief. Every constant stripping away tears at my heart. I feel the heaviness of this loss not just for myself but for those that love me.
Its been harder to fight for joy this week. I know Satan would love nothing more than to prey on my weakness so I’m going to fight. I will run to substance and the promises that have continued to carry me each and every day. I will take Tracy’s beautiful example of living out Isaiah 40:31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. I know that although my outer body is wasting away my inner body is being renewed day by day just like Paul talk about in 2 Corinthians 4:16. I love John Pipers words on grief and his acknowledgement that its real and its right. He says however that “God does not leave his children in the depths of sorrow. Joy comes eventually and it comes in God’s timing.”
This is a hard week and I will take the time I need to grieve these losses. I’m not alone the Lord draws near to the broken hearted and I don’t grieve as one who has no hope. This also he will use and I’m confident it will deepen my faith. If you think of me please pray that I would fight for joy and run to the one who holds me in his hands and that I would not fear that this would become a barrier for people.
Grateful for you always.
