I’m often surprised when out of no where the flood gates of emotions come pouring out of me. Grief is a tricky thing. I’m experiencing a lot of it lately and in many different forms. My particular disease is a slow progressing disease that continues to get worse over time. Which means I continue to feel the losses. The grief is continual and not just for me but for those closest to me. It hits us all differently but none the less can be very painful.
This wasn’t how it was suppose to be. Romans 8:19-23 says; For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. Oh how I can’t wait for this body to be redeemed.
The last 15 weeks have taken a major toll on my body. Four surgeries in ten weeks. The first surgery (g-tube) we felt hopeful that with the proper nutrition it would bring my weight up and give my body good strength. No one expected that three back to back surgeries would follow. No one expected the hard recovery each one would take and I certainly did not expect the emotional toll it would have on those closest to me. I have taken many steps back and it is really discouraging. I’m nearing the end of recovery on this last surgery weaker and down on my weight even more than before I headed into the first surgery. This is all discouraging and many times I allow myself to feel all the feels but I’m also aware that Satan loves to pry on the weak. I try not to allow myself to stay in my weariness. I look at all the ways God provided during these hard 15 weeks, the ways that he met me during my darkest moments, the ways I felt his strength, the ways he protected me, and the ways he brought his people to care for us. This doesn’t always mean that I magically feel better but allowing the Lord to fix my gaze on him and the ways he beautifully works in the hard reminds me that it’s not about me. It puts me in a place where the Lord is available to do his best work. I know with all my heart that there is purpose in my journey. I know that there is purpose in your journey. Whatever you are facing I hope that you believe that God has purpose for it.
Next month my three blessings go back to school. Hannah will go to public school this year. This will officially be the end of my homeschool journey. Another loss. This is a hard change for me but a good needed one as well. The boys have thrived this year in school and we know she will as well. I have wondered and asked the Lord what he wanted me to do while the kids are in school. I have cried out to him that I want to feel purposeful and not just cared for by others, I have confessed my fear of wasting the day away on the computer. I want to feel purposeful. Recently a friend posted information about biblical counseling. I was intrigued and looked into it. After prayer and some conversations with the hubby and friends I have decided to pursue my certification in Biblical Counseling. I’m excited and a bit intimidated by the work but excited to see what the Lord does with this new endeavor. Please pray for us all as we seek to grow and trust in the one who goes before us.