This semester I’m doing a ladies bible study and we are going through the book of Judges. This question below came up in our study and decided to share with you my thoughts.
Has there ever been a time when God has dramatically weakened you (physically, financially, emotionally, etc) to teach you to rely on him? Describe that time. What did you learn about God? About yourself? About your fears?
Has there ever been a time God has dramatically weakened you to teach you to rely on him? Describe that time- This one is most likely obvious to all of you and didn’t take much thought or time for me to come up with an answer. In the past seven years my physical body has dramatically been weakened and continues to each day. I wish it was just for a time but unfortunately it is ongoing with no end or cure in sight. When I was first diagnosed and my body began to weaken it was extremely difficult for me to accept help and come to terms that this was my new reality. I realized that I thought I had to be doing and serving to be purposeful in the Lord. I had to rely on the Lord to show me how he was going to bring purpose in the pain. He has been faithful to show me beautiful ways that he is using this but it is still a battle and I’m growing all the time. When it gets hard I have to remind myself to rely on him to provide the strength when all I want to do is escape and retreat into self pity.
What did you learn about God? I learned and am still learning that God didn’t do this to me but is doing this for me and others. It’s really not about me at all. It’s always, always, always about him. I just get to be the vessel that he uses to bring glory to his name. I learned that his promises are true that he never leaves me or forsakes me. I learned that he is the provider of all good things. I learned that he knows better than me and his ways are better than mine.
What did you learn about yourself? I learned and am learning that I’m super stubborn as heck. You know the toddler stage when they say “I do it myself” yep thats me. I don’t like to appear weak and have fought hard even when it would make my life and those around me easier. example-braces on my feet, cane, wheel chair, breathing machine, and pretty much all equipment. I learned/am learning that I’m always fearful of being a burden on people. That I rely too much on my own strength instead of the Lord. That In the past I found my joy and purpose in doing instead of just being still in the Lord. That you can still be used by God just by being still. I’m still learning things and being confronted with my ugly sin. Just a few weeks ago when Jonah went to Sacramento for a Junior theatre festival. I was so bitter and angry about my disease. I would have given anything to be with him on that trip. I was very involved in theatre growing up and this kind of stuff excites me. I was jealous of the other parent chaperones and just grieved hard. Even in the grief I felt the Holy spirit asking me if I had the choice to go and feel joy for a weekend would I choose it over feeling the joy of knowing God is using this terrible disease to bring glory to his name. Even if it lasts the rest of my life. It is such an inward battle for me of knowing without a shadow of a doubt that he is using this, and wanting that to be enough but still feeling heavy grief over each loss.
About your fears? I learned that they come when I feel like things are out of control and I try to control things myself or think I have control. God is usually pretty quick to show me he is in control and that I can trust him. One good example of this was when Noah wanted to go to Japan last year. I worried about his heart and health and asked Jason to go with him. 10 weeks leading up to the trip I went through 5 surgeries with the last one being days before he would fly out. Jason knew he couldn’t go while his wife was recovering from heart surgery and I wasn’t about to let Noah go without him. Noah looked me in the eyes and asked what I was afraid of. As I began to tell him my reasoning did not seem like it was appropriate. You see my biggest desire for my kids is that they would grow in the knowledge and love for their savior and want to serve him all of their days. Here he was wanting to go serve the Lord and share Christ and my fears were standing in his way. I let him go and honestly I believe that God used all five of those surgeries to get me to that place. I learned that my fears keep me from fully trusting the Lord. From believing that he is fully sovereign over all things He is continually growing me in this area.
Maybe you all can resonate with these words. Maybe this question causes you to think about a time God has dramatically weakened you. I pray that whatever you are going through that you would allow yourself to be vulnerable with people. God uses his people to be his ministers and encouragers and we all need each other. Thank you for continuing to walk this journey with us and I promise to give an update soon.
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