Grief Is Painful

I have been struggling for months now to write a blog post.  I just haven’t been in a good emotional state to find the words. I have wanted to, however I just didn’t know how to process all of what I’m feeling in a clear and precise way. I know many of you just want to know how to pray. I’m so grateful for that and grateful that you care enough to still read my words.  I always want to be my authentic self so here it goes.  

Grief is a tricky thing and Im learning when you have loss there isn’t really a magic timeline of when you stop grieving.  I have continual loss and lately i have found myself in deep grief over it. Losing the ability to do even the littlest things like brush your own hair are losses for me.  It takes so much vulnerability to allow others to help in this way.  I long to do it myself.  I long to walk along the beach or let alone just inside my child’s school without help. This road is very lonely and you feel like you are burdening others constantly.  I see how much my situation impacts those around me and it just adds to my pain.  Please don’t confuse my grief as whining.  I’m so grateful for many beautiful things that have come from my story. Im confident God is working in and through it. I know he has good for me but the pain of loss can be overwhelming.

 I believe you can experience both joy and pain in suffering.   Real joy doesn’t have to be put-together and smiley. We often get joy confused with Happiness.  I once heard someone explain that happiness is fleeting and deep joy is not conditional to my circumstances or experiences.   It comes from a deep understanding that God is for us, he loves us, and is working in and through the hard for his glory.  It comes from our hope that this is but a speck compared to spending eternity  with Christ.   Real joy is often teary and exhausted, crawling after God with whatever strength and longing we can muster up. Our joy will prove strong and durable because God will keep us, but it will run low and feel fragile along the way.  Even in my deepest grief I can still understand that he is working this for my good while also longing for another way.

So how is our family and what is the latest?

Jason-  Jason recently started a new job working for Ministry Partners Inc. as a loan portfolio manager.  It is actually in the same building as his old job so the same commute.  It was an answer to prayer and he is very happy there.  You can pray for him as he carries the load of full-time employee as well as caregiver, husband, and father.  It can often be a lot.

Mel- My physical body continues to get weaker effecting my heart, lungs, swallowing etc. and I continue to see specialists.  Looking forward to homeschooling Hannah this year and soaking up all my time with her.

Noah- Noah’s heart continues to remain stable.  He still gets regularly checked and right now its a watch and see thing.  He still has RCM but it has not progressed.  He gets checked regularly at the Muscular Dystrophy clinic and there is very mild weakness in his hands and feet but the rest of his muscles remain strong.  It’s hard to believe it has been seven years since his diagnoses.  Thankful for God’s protection over him.  Noah has entered his last year of high school and just sent off his first college application this afternoon.  I can’t believe we are at this stage.  I’m so very proud of him.

Jonah-  This ray of sunshine continues to make us laugh daily.  He is constantly performing in some way and never tires of working on his craft.  He has enough energy for all of us combined.  He spent the summer getting to learn from many experienced people in the industry.  He was awarded a scholarship for the “Five Days Of Broadway" at the Seagerstrom, He started taking workshops with two wonderful Professional session singers, took some dance classes, and did a theatre camp.  He booked a print job with Guitar Center, and just landed his first commercial.  He is a huge helper to mom, loves Jesus, has a compassionate soul, and loves making others smile.

Hannah- Hannah’s health is doing great and we often forget that she has a complicated heart case.  We go to regular apts. that are now thankfully more spread out.   She loves to be helpful and serve.  Often times without asking she is the one who gets in and gets stuff done.  She has discovered volleyball this year and is looking forward to playing in the fall.  She is my giggly girl and loves to laugh which makes a great audience for her brother.  She is his biggest fan.  She loves school and is looking forward to fifth grade.

Dawson-  He is the best gift.  We are all so thankful for him.  He is my buddy and I love him immensely.  We really can’t imagine our lives without him.  He is a hard worker and just the sweetest dog.

We did it!

Well we did it! After two weeks of Handler training Dawson and I graduated and have been home for a few weeks settling into our new routine.  I had no idea the amount of hard work we would endure going into this training. It pushed me both physically and emotionally. It wasn't just the three hours of training each day, it was also the hours of homework each night, being away from home, and sometimes having to make the three hour drive back and forth. There were days that left me completely exhausted and depleted and I had no idea if I had the strength to go back the next day. There were a couple days I said to Jason I don’t want to go. My body is aching so bad I’m not sure I have anything left to give. Normally when  I do too much I have a day to recover and let my body rest. I pushed my body hard and I was really feeling it but I was so determined, eager, and wanted to see my dog so badly. I was learning a ton and Dawson and I bonded immediately. I knew what a gift this already was. I knew what a gift it was going to be for me  in the future and that pushed me to keep going.  I’m learning to be more and more vulnerable with my disability. Hearing you all tell me how encouraged you are helps so much. I don’t usually like to take pictures of me in my wheel chair. Not because I don’t want others to see me this way(they already do) but because it’s still hard for me to see myself this way. So seeing the videos of me walking, in my chair, or trying to use Dawson to help me up was extremely hard. There was one day that I was lying flat on my back. I was able to use Dawson to help roll me over to my side but I could not get on my knees. It just physically was not happening. I have no idea how I got to this point of not being able to do this . We tried super hard and it just wasn’t happening. Another huge loss.  It left me raw, exposed, scared, and vulnerable. In my mind I still see myself as this strong girl who loves to dance  more than anything and fly around the room chatting it up with whoever comes my way. These things have been stripped away and the Loss is big, scary, hard, and sad. It’s ok for me to feel these things and to not like it. I should in fact hate it and groan. I just also have to realize this is for my good. This is where Christ is going to do his best work.He already is. Most days I realize this but I’m also human and some days I just really hate being limited in my physical  capabilities. Even if it’s painful, hurtful, and I lose everything I remind myself constantly that it’s light and momentary. If I don’t keep that perspective and I let my circumstances get the best of me it will drive me to despair. I have to fight hard to see myself as Christ sees his daughter. Still awesome despite my inabilities, because I’m allowing him to do his best work in and through me for HIS purposes and  not my own.

I say this a lot but When I’m really able to those things, I lose  focus of the hard And Focus on his goodness. Like his goodness in bringing a beautiful community around me. All of you.  A community who raised 30,000 in 8 weeks to help provide this wonderful life changing gift. A community who continually showers us with love and support. Im blown away by your love and can't say thanks enough.  I see his goodness through you.  I see his goodness in the ways that Dawson is able to give me some of my independence. I see his goodness in showing me things that I CAN do even in my limited capabilities. I know it was a long wait to get Dawson. After spending two weeks I completely understand why. It takes so much time, love, and resources to train these dogs specifically for you. It’s a process that they take seriously. They have their own breeding program and it’s hard to find quality trainers. My trainer worked 14 days straight with me. He has a passion for these dogs and what he does. That is hard to find.  It was hard work. I don’t think you can truly anticipate what the training is like until you are actually there walking through it. I’m so proud of how far Dawson and I have come in two weeks. The videos from Day 2 to day 14 are incredible. Dawson was so worth the wait. He is already changing my life in the sweetest ways❤️ 

We are still working on me trusting Dawson when I brace him to walk. He LOVES people and attention so it’s difficult to get him to focus on just me while we are walking. We are both doing better. Walking is not something I do a ton as it is difficult for me, my legs tire out, and I can’t go very far. It’s nice to have the option to go into a short distant place though. One of the hardest things for me is to to tell you all that you can not pet him while he’s working. It’s so hard because I want you to be able to love on him as he is just the sweetest however when he’s working he has to pay attention to only me. Thank you for your  understanding. There are plenty of times at home that he is not working and able to play. You should come over and get your snuggles and pets in that way😀 We would love to have you!  Thanks again for being apart of this journey and helping to make Dawson a reality for us.  He is one of the best gifts.

How Deep the Fathers Love for us

I’m sitting here in awe and amazement at the fathers love for me.  Do you sometimes feel so overwhelmed by God’s goodness to you?

For those of you that are not familiar with my story. I grew up with out a father.  I never had the opportunity to meet my dad.  He moved out of state when I was two and him and my mom never stayed in contact. Twelve years ago after searching for information on my dad I was sad to discover that he had passed away at the age of 34 when I was just seven years old.  I was able to find his sister and we talked and exchanged information.  It was a lot for me to process and I wasn’t sure how much more information I could take at the time.  Life got busy and I forgot all about our conversations and went on with Life.

A week ago I received a message on facebook from my dad’s sister. It has been an emotional process as I have been able to talk with cousins, learn more about my dad, family history etc.  Every picture, every story, every phone conversation has been treasured.  The biggest gift though came last night when I received a long email from my cousin.  He informed me that his dad use to party with my dad. Years later my cousins dad became a Christian. My cousin said that his dad had the opportunity to visit my dad in the hospital before he died.  He said his dad presented the gospel to him and that my dad had accepted Christ before he died.  

Reading this letter I couldn’t compose myself. Did I read that correctly? Am I really reading these words?  I had Jason re read the letter and my oldest son came and held me tight.  How great to share this with them. I had wondered, why after all this time and now the Lord wanted me to connect with my fathers family.  Why now?  Don’t get me wrong I was grateful.  Grateful to connect with them, grateful to hear the stories but still wondered why now.  God knew hearing that my dad accepted Christ would mean the world to me.  He didn’t have to give me this gift but he did.  Wow!  Our God loves us so personally it blows my mind sometimes.

When we begin to let God overwhelm us with His love, grace, power, Spirit, provision, we will see Him work in and through our lives in glorious ways. I really believe that God’s will is for us to become overwhelmed with His goodness and His grace instead of being overwhelmed with our problems and trials. When we change our focus and perspective, something beautiful happens, a change so dramatic and so real that the problems we were previously overwhelmed with pale in comparison to the peace, contentment and joy that we find in Christ.  I find this to be true over and over again in my life.

For every measure of suffering, God has returned to me a measure of his grace, for every measure of pain, a measure of love and victory in Christ. For every fear, a calm and peace, for every need, a provision.  I’m so beyond grateful and pray that you all would feel the fathers deep deep love for you. 

If you have never made a conscious decision to bring Jesus Christ into your heart, then you can do so right now by praying and asking Him to come into your life. There’s no magic formula for the type of prayer that you need to pray, nor is there any special wording that would make one prayer better than another. As always, God looks at what is in our hearts when we utter our prayers, He understands and knows the condition of your heart and mind. But if you do want to ask Jesus Christ into your heart and life today, here are some suggested phrases that you can use as you pray:

• Lord, I admit that I have sinned against You and that I need Your forgiveness

• I believe that You died for my sins

• Jesus I ask You to come into my life

• I ask You to forgive my sins

• I give You the rest of my life

If this is the first time you have ever asked Christ to come into your life, I would encourage you to find someone and tell them that you just accepted Christ as your Savior and Lord. Please tell me I would LOVE to know and to be able to pray for you. I would also strongly urge you to become part of a church that preaches the Bible every Sunday so that you can begin to grow in your faith and knowledge of Jesus Christ.

https://youtu.be/e9FG12eTSbI

Our Newest Family Member

I would like to introduce you all to the newest member of our Family “Dawson”  

Dawson is a Golden Lab. Yep you guessed it he is part Golden retriever and part Lab.  Here is a brief description from our new boy.

I am one of those dogs that loves to work! I like to play too and cuddle for hours in the humans laps. I know the difference though for when its time to work and when its time to play. My trainers worked hard on teaching me this important detail.  I am really excited to take all of the training I have had and put it to good use for my special person. I know all of my easy tasks (trainers call them basic) and I know the hard ones especially for smart service dogs! I can turn on/off lights, open/close doors, push buttons, get my vest, retrieve items, brace, the list goes on and on. Pretty cool! I am very proud of how hard I have been working and I can tell my trainer is too! It makes me so excited to know that even though I am ending one part of my journey at the ranch, I am really just starting my BIG journey with my person. I will love my person so very much! I hope to meet you soon!  Love, Dawson

We will start our training in a few weeks at the Little Angels Ranch in San Diego.  The second week of our training we will be able to take Dawson home. YAY!  This is super exciting and such an answer to not only our prayers but many of yours as well.

We want to thank everyone who has been on this journey with us for the last two years. Wow! Can you believe it’s been two years. Many of you have contributed financially through fundraising, donations, your time, and prayers.  We really can’t thank you enough.  I’m so excited for you all to see and meet this sweet dog and for you to see him at work helping to make our lives a little bit sweeter.

Look for more training updates and lots more pictures in the coming weeks.