Grief Is Painful

I have been struggling for months now to write a blog post.  I just haven’t been in a good emotional state to find the words. I have wanted to, however I just didn’t know how to process all of what I’m feeling in a clear and precise way. I know many of you just want to know how to pray. I’m so grateful for that and grateful that you care enough to still read my words.  I always want to be my authentic self so here it goes.  

Grief is a tricky thing and Im learning when you have loss there isn’t really a magic timeline of when you stop grieving.  I have continual loss and lately i have found myself in deep grief over it. Losing the ability to do even the littlest things like brush your own hair are losses for me.  It takes so much vulnerability to allow others to help in this way.  I long to do it myself.  I long to walk along the beach or let alone just inside my child’s school without help. This road is very lonely and you feel like you are burdening others constantly.  I see how much my situation impacts those around me and it just adds to my pain.  Please don’t confuse my grief as whining.  I’m so grateful for many beautiful things that have come from my story. Im confident God is working in and through it. I know he has good for me but the pain of loss can be overwhelming.

 I believe you can experience both joy and pain in suffering.   Real joy doesn’t have to be put-together and smiley. We often get joy confused with Happiness.  I once heard someone explain that happiness is fleeting and deep joy is not conditional to my circumstances or experiences.   It comes from a deep understanding that God is for us, he loves us, and is working in and through the hard for his glory.  It comes from our hope that this is but a speck compared to spending eternity  with Christ.   Real joy is often teary and exhausted, crawling after God with whatever strength and longing we can muster up. Our joy will prove strong and durable because God will keep us, but it will run low and feel fragile along the way.  Even in my deepest grief I can still understand that he is working this for my good while also longing for another way.

So how is our family and what is the latest?

Jason-  Jason recently started a new job working for Ministry Partners Inc. as a loan portfolio manager.  It is actually in the same building as his old job so the same commute.  It was an answer to prayer and he is very happy there.  You can pray for him as he carries the load of full-time employee as well as caregiver, husband, and father.  It can often be a lot.

Mel- My physical body continues to get weaker effecting my heart, lungs, swallowing etc. and I continue to see specialists.  Looking forward to homeschooling Hannah this year and soaking up all my time with her.

Noah- Noah’s heart continues to remain stable.  He still gets regularly checked and right now its a watch and see thing.  He still has RCM but it has not progressed.  He gets checked regularly at the Muscular Dystrophy clinic and there is very mild weakness in his hands and feet but the rest of his muscles remain strong.  It’s hard to believe it has been seven years since his diagnoses.  Thankful for God’s protection over him.  Noah has entered his last year of high school and just sent off his first college application this afternoon.  I can’t believe we are at this stage.  I’m so very proud of him.

Jonah-  This ray of sunshine continues to make us laugh daily.  He is constantly performing in some way and never tires of working on his craft.  He has enough energy for all of us combined.  He spent the summer getting to learn from many experienced people in the industry.  He was awarded a scholarship for the “Five Days Of Broadway" at the Seagerstrom, He started taking workshops with two wonderful Professional session singers, took some dance classes, and did a theatre camp.  He booked a print job with Guitar Center, and just landed his first commercial.  He is a huge helper to mom, loves Jesus, has a compassionate soul, and loves making others smile.

Hannah- Hannah’s health is doing great and we often forget that she has a complicated heart case.  We go to regular apts. that are now thankfully more spread out.   She loves to be helpful and serve.  Often times without asking she is the one who gets in and gets stuff done.  She has discovered volleyball this year and is looking forward to playing in the fall.  She is my giggly girl and loves to laugh which makes a great audience for her brother.  She is his biggest fan.  She loves school and is looking forward to fifth grade.

Dawson-  He is the best gift.  We are all so thankful for him.  He is my buddy and I love him immensely.  We really can’t imagine our lives without him.  He is a hard worker and just the sweetest dog.