When you have had many traumatic events happen in your life. When you have a progressive disability. When one of your children shares the same disability and the other one has a major heart condition you somewhat expect the waves to come crashing. In fact it is often hard for you to celebrate when things are stable because you are just living in anticipation of the next wave to hit. This doesn’t mean however that it doesn’t feel like a sucker punch to the gut when they do come. Just because you anticipate they are coming doesn’t make it less painful. Also Just because you hate enduring the wave doesn’t mean you don’t trust that God will pull you through either. He always does and most of the time you come out stronger. It’s hard to remind yourself of these truths though when the pain of the wave leaves an awful sting.
Since my disease is progressive many losses will continue to come. I can expect it. Recently we have come to a new loss. Over the last year or so I have become more dependent on my wheelchair. Balance and weakness have made it difficult to walk even with assistance. Most of you have seen me wheeled around in my pink chair. This is an oversized transport chair that is not meant to be sat in for long periods of time. It does not give support, it leaves me in pain, and requires someone to push me around. After a wheelchair evaluation requested by my Neurologist. We were made aware that I really needed a power chair. A custom made one that had all the functions to keep me comfortable and out and about for longer periods of time. Each new step for me is an emotional one. I was actually thrilled this time though at the possibility of having more control in a wheelchair, being more comfortable, and not being reliant on another person to wheel me around. Over the coarse of a few months and tests though we would learn that getting this chair and being able to continue to drive on my own would mean that I would need to upgrade to an electrical hand control car system and a mobility van. The new electrical system was not expected and felt like a sucker punch to the gut. I thought I could upgrade to a simpler set of hand controls however due to my decreasing muscle strength this was not the case. This the insurance does not cover and it comes with a pretty steep price tag. The excitement soon came with disappointment, fear, anger, and a whole batch of other emotions. This seems utterly impossible and I feel defeated. I feel like I have been given a picture of how to make my life a little easier and give me more freedom but it isn’t attainable for me. The carrot is dangling infront of me and feels out of reach. After a few days however the emotions calm down and I start to give them over to the Lord. I start to speak his truths into my heart instead. He finds a way for us to at least get the power chair, he doesn’t have to but he does. A sweet reminder to me of his beautiful grace and provision. That he draws near to the broken hearted. I’m grateful and even though the rest feels like the hugest mountain to climb I’m choosing to trust that he will provide the rest and asking for your sweet prayers in this.
My absence from writing is usually due to not having the emotional energy. Everyday is a battle. It’s a battle to push through the frustration of being physically limited. It’s a battle to not want to waste my suffering, It’s a battle to not give into fear, and it’s a battle to fight against my own selfish flesh and keep my eyes off of my circumstances. Some days all I can muster up to write or say is that its’s hard. It’s really stinking hard and messy. You all know that though. This is no surprise to any of you. You all experience hard in one capacity or another. This life is just plain hard. It’s not meant to be easy or comfortable. It’s not meant to be that way because it’s not about us. It’s all for the glory of the Lord. If you are in a season of hard, if you just got smacked with a hard wave. I want to leave you with these words from John Piper that have been encouraging my heart and helping me to stay focused on our redeemer. The one who redeems us from the pain this world has to offer.
There are nutrients that we draw out of seasons of suffering that are strengthening to the bones of our faith and sweetening to the marrow of our faith like we can’t get any other way. Eat them. Go ahead and eat them. As long as God keeps you in that season, don’t waste it by wishing and wishing, wishing you’d be out of it. Go ahead and eat the fruit that grows on that tree alone.
Savor the special promised nearness of the Lord. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” There is a unique and special promised nearness that you will enjoy. Yes, that is a tearful, painful, true word you will enjoy that you will not have once the sun comes out again. Wait for God’s timing of healing and restoration. Psalm 30:5 says, “His anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”
I don’t think the point of that is about the clock, like sadness at dusk, joy at dawn every day. That’s not the point of that statement. The point is God does not leave his children indefinitely in the depths of sorrow. Joy comes eventually when dawn comes, and it comes in God’s timing. The older you get, the more you know that terrible things don’t have the same horrible gut punch as time goes by. In the moment of loss, when you get that phone call, that utter disappointment, that painful email, a dream is shattered, a massive disappointment, something you thought would never happen — and you feel in those first hours, “There’s no way I can live with this. There’s no way I can live with this.” God’s timing is very mysterious in its effects because the next day it’s a little different, and the next day it’s a little different. A week later it’s a little different. Everybody moves at different paces, but God uses time and grace to take away the sense of impossibility of life.
I don’t know about you but I so needed to be reminded of that. “God uses time and grace to take away the sense of impossibility of life.” Please continue to lift our family up. We so appreciate each and everyone of you.
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