Suffering and Thankfulness

 As we approach Thanksgiving I wanted to write about some of the ways my heart is overflowing with thankfulness. The first being how grateful I'am at the ways God shows me he is near. The ways he encourages my heart to keep going especially on the days I need it the most. This year has been rough. It has been emotionally and physically taxing in so many ways. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.  I'm sure a lot of you can relate.  God is so gracious at showing up when I need an extra burst of encouragement. He does this through his word often and he also uses his people. I can’t tell you how often I will get an email, text, or private message from somebody edifying the work of the Holy Spirit. It is always exactly when I needed it the most and It is often about how they see God using my situation to bring them encouragement. I know this is not of my doing and so it gives me encouragement to know that the Lord is using it for his glory. I have said it before and I will continue to say it until the Lord chooses to take me home. My deepest desire in my life is to be a vessel for him. When he reminds me of the ways he is allowing me to be that vessel, it gives me the hope I need to keep persevering. To keep fighting the battle.  

Today I was asked to contribute to an Article being written on Disability and Parenting. I was asked if I had any advice to moms who are parenting while having a physical or chronic disability. As I sat and thought about the question I was again reminded of God’s goodness in using his people to encourage my heart. For a long time I felt this guilt for not being able to do the physical things I wanted to do with my children because of my disability. I would often think about that loss having a negative impact on them. I was reminded by a few friends who have pointed out to me the beautiful impact they have seen my disability having on my children. They said it’s so encouraging to see your teenage boys love on their mother and show such tenderness. The ways they care for you. How they hop up in your wheel chair just to be close to you. How they help you in the car, put your hair in a pony tail, put on your shoes. How all your children think about your needs in the way they make sure you have food most times before their own. How they have such compassion for others who have physical limitations because they understand deeper than most kids. They aren't afraid to enter into the hard because they know what hard looks like. It really caused me to look at things differently, instead of looking at ways I thought they would negatively be impacted it made my heart grateful for the positive impact others could see in their lives and it allowed me to see it as well. God is so gracious in that way. He is constantly pointing out how he is using our circumstances for good.  I’m thankful also that God has given me beautiful woman who speak truth into my life, who sit with me in the hard, who cry with me, laugh with me, push me to do hard things, let me feel all the feels but don’t allow me to sit in it. They are a treasure.  

I’m currently rereading a book on Suffering by Paul Tripp called Suffering: Gospel Hope when life doesn’t make sense. I highly recommend this book. It’s so good and so needed for everyone because like it or not you will never be able to escape suffering. If you are not experiencing it, havent yet, you will at some point in your life.  Tripp tells us in his book that God is inextricably connected to and intimately involved in our suffering. Like everything else we face, suffering takes place under his sovereign rule, and it happens in the middle of his redemptive plan. The sense you make out of his purpose for or distance from your suffering, and the conclusion you make about his care and ability to help will have a huge influence on your experience of suffering.  Good Stuff. So so good.

I know I’m going to suffer, I know God is sovereign over it all so I want to Suffer well. Suffering well is knowing without a shadow of a doubt that it’s for His Glory. That none of it is meaningless. Suffering well is taking your eyes off of self and focusing them on your creator and sustainer. It’s not easy its hard as heck most days. It’s a reminder that you can do nothing apart from Christ.   I’m so thankful that he carries me, sustains me, and gives me future hope.  I’m thankful for his word that says in 2 Corinthians 4:8-11 We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.

Friends,  I hope you find much to be thankful for this holiday season.

Answered Prayer

Our family is celebrating today.  We have been praying for months now that God would provide us a mobility van. Right before Covid we were able to get a power wheel chair.  This has been such a gift for me.  I'm enjoying be able to move freely in and out of the house. Going on walks and sitting out on the patio has been so enjoyable. I even got to use it at Noah's drive by graduation. It felt great to be able to wheel over to people to chat without asking someone to wheel me or turn me.  What a gift.  It also has been so much more comfortable.  In order to take it anywhere we knew we would need a mobility van.  We began the search and it has been a daunting experience.  Both Jason and I were in dire need of new vehicles. Both of our 15 year old cars have been hanging on by a thread. We said good by to Jason's car after it broke down last month. We knew that buying a brand new mobility van was not going to be an option as they were way out of our price range.  Trying to find a used one with low mileage was becoming difficult and I was getting quite discouraged. We were excited last week when this 2014 Town and Country became available and today we brought it home.  This is going to be a game changer for me.  Having the freedom to wheel around on my own will be a huge blessing.  We continue to move forward and adapt to our new circumstances however difficult they may be.  There are many things we grieve but we don't grieve as one who has no hope.

In the wake of these soul shaking events around the world, the world can seem awfully dark.  It's during the darkest times that we need to lean on our faith the most. That means saturating our minds with truth. Casting all our anxieties on him.  In faith we can move through the trials of this life with confidence and hope.  Just as God created the cosmos from nothing, he can bring hope and strength where once there was none. I'm praying this for our country. Praying God would bring beauty from ashes and we would see a powerful revival.

Congrats Noah!

I’m so happy to announce that this sweet young man, who you all have been praying for since he was nine, finished his last classes of high school this week. Not only did he finish but he did it a whole year early.  Why a year early?  When he finished his sixth grade year he was well ahead of where he needed to be both academically and in his maturity. He was constantly challenging himself and so we had an opportunity to move into an 8th grade homeschool co-op that would challenge him even more.  If it proved to be too much we could always change courses.  He continued to enjoy challenging himself and by the end of the year it was evident we had made the right choice and that he was ready for high school. He has worked so incredibly hard. Taking honors courses his first three years of high school. He managed to get Student of the quarter three out of his four years.  He pushed himself out of his comfort zone and joined theatre, improv, and the playwrights.  He was involved in Students For Life  where he wasn’t afraid to tackle important issues. He persevered in difficult times.  He never let his constant fatigue, doctors appointments, and hospital visits effect his grades and because of that he will graduate with high honors.  

Noah has only ever wanted to go to one college……..Biola.  We told him that he would have to work extremely hard and apply for scholarships.  We told him it was very expensive but that if it was where he was suppose to be God would make a way. God did make a way. Because of Noah’s SAT scores and GPA he was able to get the Dean’s Scholarship, Grants, and a few others.  He will be moving to the dorms this fall where he intends to pursue a degree in accounting.  To say he is excited is an understatement.  When everything was being canceled, his senior trip, shows, awards night, prom, and graduation.  All that was on his mind was if he would be able to move in to the dorms.  He is so ready.  

If you couldn’t tell by the first two paragraphs I’m so extremely proud of my boy.  I’m not just proud of his academic efforts though.  I’m proud of his character and his desire to be a light.  His desire to be surrounded by people who challenge his faith and cause him to grow.  I’m inspired by his acceptance of difficulty.  His ability to adapt.  I have no doubts he will do great things for the Lord.

So many of you have been praying for Noah for years.  We are so grateful for you and very much  still covet your prayers for our dear boy.  His heart is still very sick and he continues to slowly progress in this disease causing fatigue and muscle weakness. He is monitored closely and has lots of appointments and tests that we are hoping to get done before the fall semester.  

If you live locally and would like to help celebrate our boy. Noah, along with a few of his buddies will be having a drive by celebration.  We would love for you to say hi , pick up a treat from us, and drop off any words of wisdom for Noah as he embarks on this new season of his life. The celebration will be Thursday June 4th from 4-6 in La Mirada at  14435 Garden Hill Park on  the Valeda Drive  side near the amphitheatre. 

Covid-19

Friends and Family I have so much on my heart. I always want my words to be helpful and not hurtful.  I never want to minimize peoples pain and always want to point others to Jesus. I desire to offer hope in the midst of difficulties by sharing my own experience of walking through suffering. 

We are living in difficult times.  Many have lost their loved ones, have lost jobs, are dealing with depression, suicide rates are at an all time high, many have had to cancel special life events, have had to learn how to teach their children at home, have had to spend time in a hospital all alone, some are stuck at home with their abuser, and so much more.  All of these things can be overwhelming.  They can cause our hearts to be weary.  We can become fearful and can become so preoccupied with who to trust and how to decipher fact from fiction.  We may become angry at what we have lost and what we feel like we are owed or deserve. We start worrying about things that MAY happen in the future.  We feel unsettled with so many unknowns. We like to be in control. 

I know I’m guilty of all these things.  You would think someone who has had so many unexpected trials in her life would not be surprised when unexpected hardships come.  Ha! Nope! That would mean I have arrived and I’am nowhere close.  No I too have strapped in and road the rollercoaster of worry, doubt, anger and weariness.  The problem is when I go down that road I lose sight of all God’s goodness in the midst of hardship.  I’m unable to effectively be used by him, I’m unable to digest his truths. I forget that he cares far more than I do about the evils in this world.  I forget that even though I can’t see what he is doing through this I can trust that he is using it for good. I forget that he is my one constant.  That He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  That he never fails me, he never leaves me, and he never forsakes me.  When our eyes are on our circumstances we are unable to recognize his blessings and let me assure you there are many.  Look for them friends.

It’s tempting to give into fear but fear is a liar. It does nothing but wreak havoc and damage. Mathew 6:27 says “And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life.” It’s tempting for me to pout over missing my son’s last musical, my boys awards nights, my daughters end of the year activities, not seeing friends, boys graduation stuff, and even church.  It’s tempting to look at all the bad things in this world. We have to fight the flesh constantly.  We forget that it’s not about us.  If I found out that through Covid-19 God was able to bring more people to faith, that he was able to bring families together, that he was lifted high through this than I should rejoice.  REJOICE! Isn’t that what we want more than anything?  I know it’s what I want.  I think its easy for me to say I want to live in light of eternity when I have all of life’s comforts and its another thing when those comforts are stripped away.  I want to trust him with every aspect of my life and with every aspect of this messed up world.  In order to do that I need to to stop reading all the latest articles and watching all the opinion videos. Instead I need to keep resting on HIS promises. He is where I need to find my answers, joy, peace, and my security.  Here are just a few that I’m leaning on and as always I hope they encourage you to “fight the flesh”.

Deuteronomy 31;6 Be strong and courageous, Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will never leave you or forsake you.

john 13:7  You do not realize now what i’am doing but later you will understand.

Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

James 1:2-4  Consider it great joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kind,  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness, and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Psalm 91:14  Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him. I will protect him because he knows my name.

This song also has been on repeat for me  
https://youtu.be/37wV6D49iEY

When the waves hit hard

When you have had many traumatic events happen in your life.  When you have a progressive disability.  When one of your children shares the same disability and the other one has a major heart condition you somewhat expect the waves to come crashing.  In fact it is often hard for you to celebrate when things are stable because you are just living in anticipation of the next wave to hit.  This doesn’t mean however that it doesn’t feel like a sucker punch to the gut when they do come.  Just because you anticipate they are coming doesn’t make it less painful.  Also Just because you hate enduring the wave doesn’t mean you don’t trust that God will pull you through either.  He always does and most of the time you come out stronger.  It’s hard to remind yourself of these truths though when the pain of the wave leaves an awful sting.  

Since my disease is progressive many losses will continue to come. I can expect it. Recently we have come to a new loss. Over the last year or so I have become more dependent on my wheelchair.  Balance and weakness have made it difficult to walk even with assistance.  Most of you have seen me wheeled around in my pink chair.  This is an oversized  transport chair that is not meant to be sat in for long periods of time.  It does not give support, it leaves me in pain, and requires someone to push me around.  After a wheelchair evaluation requested by my Neurologist.  We were made aware that I really needed a power chair.  A custom made one that had all the functions to keep me comfortable and out and about for longer periods of time. Each  new step for me is an emotional one. I was actually thrilled  this time though at the possibility of having more control in a wheelchair, being more comfortable, and not being reliant on another person to wheel me around.  Over the coarse of a few months and tests though we would learn that getting this chair and being able to continue to drive on my own would mean that I would need to upgrade to an electrical hand control car system and a mobility van. The new electrical system was not expected and felt like a sucker punch to the gut.  I thought I could upgrade to a simpler set of hand controls  however due to my decreasing muscle strength this was not the case. This the  insurance does not cover and it comes with a pretty steep price tag. The excitement soon came with disappointment, fear, anger, and a whole batch of other emotions. This seems utterly impossible and I feel defeated. I feel like I have been given a picture of how to make my life a little easier and give me more freedom but it isn’t attainable for me. The carrot is dangling infront of me and feels out of reach.  After a few days however the emotions calm down and I start to give them over to the Lord.  I start to speak his truths into my heart instead.  He finds a way for us to at least  get the power chair, he doesn’t have to but he does. A sweet reminder to me of his beautiful grace and provision. That he draws near to the broken hearted.  I’m grateful and even though the rest feels like the hugest mountain to climb I’m choosing to trust that he will provide the rest and asking for your sweet prayers in this.

My absence from writing is usually due to not having the emotional energy.  Everyday is a battle.  It’s a battle to push through the frustration of being physically limited.  It’s a battle to not want to waste my suffering, It’s a battle to not give into fear, and it’s a battle to fight against my own selfish flesh and keep my eyes off of my circumstances.  Some days all I can muster up to write or say is that its’s hard. It’s really stinking hard and messy. You all know that though.  This is no surprise to any of you.  You all experience hard in one capacity or another. This life is just plain hard.  It’s not meant to be easy or comfortable.  It’s not meant to be that way because it’s not about us.  It’s all for the glory of the Lord.  If you are in a season of hard, if you just got smacked with a hard wave.  I want to leave you with these words from John Piper that have been encouraging my heart and helping me to stay focused on our redeemer.  The one who redeems us from the pain this world has to offer.

There are nutrients that we draw out of seasons of suffering that are strengthening to the bones of our faith and sweetening to the marrow of our faith like we can’t get any other way. Eat them. Go ahead and eat them. As long as God keeps you in that season, don’t waste it by wishing and wishing, wishing you’d be out of it. Go ahead and eat the fruit that grows on that tree alone.

Savor the special promised nearness of the Lord. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” There is a unique and special promised nearness that you will enjoy. Yes, that is a tearful, painful, true word you will enjoy that you will not have once the sun comes out again. Wait for God’s timing of healing and restoration. Psalm 30:5 says, “His anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”

I don’t think the point of that is about the clock, like sadness at dusk, joy at dawn every day. That’s not the point of that statement. The point is God does not leave his children indefinitely in the depths of sorrow. Joy comes eventually when dawn comes, and it comes in God’s timing. The older you get, the more you know that terrible things don’t have the same horrible gut punch as time goes by. In the moment of loss, when you get that phone call, that utter disappointment, that painful email, a dream is shattered, a massive disappointment, something you thought would never happen — and you feel in those first hours, “There’s no way I can live with this. There’s no way I can live with this.” God’s timing is very mysterious in its effects because the next day it’s a little different, and the next day it’s a little different. A week later it’s a little different. Everybody moves at different paces, but God uses time and grace to take away the sense of impossibility of life.

I don’t know about you but I so needed to be reminded of that.  “God uses time and grace to take away the sense of impossibility of life.”  Please continue to lift our family up.  We so appreciate each and everyone of you.