Joy And Pain

This last week our family was fortunate to take a trip to Hawaii.  It was pretty surprising that the trip happened given that we had to cancel it twice in the last two years. It took so much to make it happen. We had to Quarantine the week before, covid testing and fitting in the trip before Noah went back to school so we could all be together but we did it. We set off last week with eagerness and excitement. I wish I could say it was everything I had hoped it would be. However If I’m honest this trip was physically and emotionally rough. I knew it would be physically difficult but wasn’t expecting the flood of emotional pain. Grief is a funny thing that sneaks up on you sometimes. I couldn’t escape my grief even in a beautiful place like Hawaii. I was faced with it head on. It was continually smacking me in the face and it was unbearable at times. I found myself often feeling so guilty for being deep in my pain and having moments of not being able to be content.  I could take in Gods beauty and appreciate it but the pain of my circumstances and the losses of others was so strongly felt. It took so much out of me physically just to get t o this beautiful place. From the first day What should have been a five hour flight turned into 8 hours. When we landed in Oahu we were stuck on the Tarmac for over two hours. My body was hurting.  All my muscles were cramped, my feet were swollen, and I wanted so badly to be laying in my bed. We normally navigate the air port in my transfer wheel chair. Being without my power chair that is custom made just for me and my needs was difficult. It was also the first time I had to use the special isle wheelchair on the plane. Because our seats were in the back and it would have been too much to try and hold onto somebody to make it all the way to our seats. They basically strap you onto a metal board on wheels and you lay your arms in your lap and try not to get your limbs smooshed down the aisle. Luckily they let you on first and also bring you off last so your not a spectacle to the other passengers. it is a super tight ride. many times on this trip I was in physical pain on the brink of tears trying to hold it all in so my family wouldn’t feel bad. I pushed myself hard and my spoon reserve ran low. I also felt heavy for Noah constantly as I watched him feeling tired and  similarly not participating as much.  I couldn’t stop thinking about his future challenges, his current heart failure, and wondering how he was processing it all. I was grateful to have time with him and one of the highlights of our trip was taking him out to a special dinner with just Jason and I. Being in the same resort we stayed at six years ago gave me a clear picture of just how much this disease has progressed and made me sad and caused me to think about the future losses to come. Six years ago Jason and I shared a sweet memory of being in this beautiful adult only spa that over looked the ocean. While enjoying our time It started raining on us and it was a special time that is forever cemented in our memories. We went to enjoy that same spa. Hoping to have another beautiful experience together. It just wasn’t the same. It was so much work to just get me in the water and once in I couldn’t keep my head up or lean up against anything. We tried everything to Make me comfortable and quickly realized it just wasn’t going to work. This was so hard for me to get over. I felt sad, disappointed, and defeated. I felt sad thinking that I might have disappointed my husband . The Lord quickly reminded me that yes he’s probably disappointed and that’s ok. It is completely ok for him to be sad and disappointed. You are disappointed too.  He is also grieving these things. You don’t have to feel responsible or to blame but you have to let him be disappointed. It was good for me to hear the Holy Spirit in that moment because I can so often feel responsible and to blame. I don’t want to be the cause of others pain and disappointment. I had to remind myself that as much as I believe that God is using all of this in my life I need to believe he is using all of it in Jason’s as well, and in Noah’s, Jonah’s , and Hannah’s. That includes disappointments. He is meeting them all in their grief as well. 

I was in the word everyday and doing all that I could to reorient my focus frustrated that this was taking up space in my mind. I pushed myself hard to do things that I knew would take a toll on my body the next day. Those moments and memories were sweet and painful. Joy and pain coexisting together.  I was grateful for many things on this trip. Thankful for sunsets, thankful for Pineapple Dole Whip, thankful for being able to lay on a raft in the ocean with my husband and kids, thankful for sweet lounging with my husband, thankful for new experiences and connection. Most of all thankful that Jesus meets me in my pain and he doesn’t leave me there. Joy and pain. The Psalmist and Paul in the New Testament has taught me that they can coexist at the same time and that it’s ok as joyful Christians to feel pain and grief simultaneously.

These words from Paul Tripp were a sweet reminder to me this past week of Gods goodness to his Children. He says; Next time you face the unexpected, a moment of difficulty you really don’t want to go through, remember that such a moment doesn’t picture a God who has forgotten you, but one who is near to you and doing in you a very good thing. He is rescuing you from thinking that you can live the life you were meant to live while relying on the inadequate resources of your wisdom, experiences, righteousness, and strength; and he is transforming you into a person who lives a life shaped by radical God centered faith. He is the ultimate craftsman, and we are his clay. He will not take us off his wheel until his fingers have molded us into those who really do believe and do not doubt.

I’m so thankful that he never leaves us in our pain he is always molding us into his likeness.